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    Friday, December 02, 2005

    Carling; A Blast From the Past

    Stardate 4950.8

    It has been nearly one year since I began my fun little writing project, so I think that since the snow has hit us here in Alberta finally, I will re-post my classic set of rules for Carling. This was one of my first entries that I thought was really good, and it is quite funny I think. Anyhow, if you live anywhere that has the miserable winter conditions and terrifyingly icy patches like we have, you may appreciate this one!

    Well since I have somewhat invented the new winter sport, Carling, for us snowed in folks up here in Canada with no Hockey to watch... I figure I better set up a scoring system so we actually know who wins every day! This is actually quite difficult as there are so many factors involved it isn't even funny. I mean, you could be driving on virgin ice and snow, and the co-efficient of friction would be much different than a road that had been sanded slightly, or perhaps so icy as to not see it at all (black ice)...

    Let's begin with the basics.


    A good slide where you are unable to slow and stop is worth lots of points. +1 right off the top.

    A sideways slide, where the vehicle actually changes it's trajectory is a bonus as you have obviously lost some control over the vehicle (apart from the ability to stop). +2 points for that.

    Distance is important. Say every 20 feet you slide, you gain +1 point. This is really where the co-efficient of friction from the different surfaces comes into play. Packed snow, black ice, sanded fresh snow... it all affects this score.

    If you happen to be lucky enough to slide into or through a controlled intersection or a stop condition... +5 points!!!! Yeah, this is a gold mine! Wait and watch the ensuing carnage as you are sliding sideways through a huge intersection, mentally calculating your score...


    This is another great way to gain points. For every inanimate object EXCEPT another vehicle, you collide with, take a +1 point bonus. This means a white picket fence, a mailbox, a roadsign, a concrete no-post barrier, anything like that. A fire hydrant is a special circumstance since it spews water out and this reacts with frigid temperatures nicely to create a new playing surface for the next teams... so +5.

    If you are lucky enough to hit another vehicle (CHA-CHING), you gain an instant +5 point bonus (not to mention a healthy hike in your insurance policy)! This is usually a rear-end style collision, so there may be different factors involved there.

    If you hit a vehicle sideways, gain a +7 bonus.

    If you hit a vehicle HEAD-ON, +10! It doesn't get much better than this, unless we start counting animate objects....

    Arrrrr if you are most fortunate enough to slide into a train crossing and hit a train, gain +20 points!

    If you hit an animal that will do little to your vehicle but end the life of said creature, gain +2 points.

    If you hit an animal that is much larger, like a deer, elk, cow or BEAR, this will likely do considerable damage to your vehicle, so feel free to gain +5 points!!!

    Remember, all strikes of animals and inanimate objects MUST be the result of a slide on icy road conditions. If you are drunk in the summer and you slam into a donkey that is eating grass growing on the shoulder of the road, it counts for nothing! You get a -100 for being a fool and drinking and driving!!!

    I will give one example of a classic winter Carling match.

    The Scene.

    You are driving to work in the morning. It is dark, and the snow was falling all night. It is very cold and the snow has been driven on by a few folks now. Intersections are likely the Face-Off Circle of Doom this morning.

    The Match.

    You approach the Face-Off Circle of Doom, noting your opponents on two of the three sides... Cruising at a safe 50 km/h, you approach and when you are about 60 feet from the lights, they turn yellow. OH NO!

    Being groggy from staying up so late surfing the weeb and eating cheese, pickles and crackers all night, you hit the brakes, forgetting that it is your minivan that has ABS (anti-lock brakes) and not your 1984 Oldsmobile Tank. Begin slide.... You are about to slide 60 feet to the intersection alone, so lets say the total is 100 feet when all is said and done. (+5) You also begin to slide sideways, which is a real treat and always makes you spill your Tim Horton's coffee on yourself (+1 cause I am being nice) so gain +2 for the sideways slide and also another +5 for sliding through a red light and a controlled intersection! Total Slide Points 13!

    Now what could possibly happen while you are sliding through the intersection? Well one of the opponents decided to go as soon as the light changed... He didn't see you sliding into the intersection sideways cause he was lighting his smoke and only saw the light change out of the corner of his eye. BAM! You hit him right in the side, (possibly causing tons of injury to him, but that is not scored in this game) so you gain +7 points. Of course, after the collision, your car is soemwhat out of control, so you proceed to hit the light pole on the corner, a small tourist information sign, and a fire hydrant (oooooh that's a mess) so for all that, +7 points. To top it off, your hub cap goes carreering off when you hit the hydrant, and strikes a homeless cat shivering in a store doorway, killing it instantly (+2). Total Collision Points 16!

    So your grand total for that game is 29 whopping points! Pretty darn good actually!

    *Humans are generally nice, so I will leave them out. You can create your own point scoring scale perhaps, and have a lot fo fun this winter tallying up your scores!!!*

    All opinions shared on this site are strictly my own. Some people may disagree and that is fine, but rude comments or overzealous debate will be curtailed. I enjoy civil discourse, and encourage independent thought. I oppose George W. Bush and his Wars based on lies.

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