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    Friday, April 22, 2005

    Windows vs. The Borg

    Stardate 3827.5

    Taken from netjeff's humor collection... an oldie but a goodie :D Enjoy!

    Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
    finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
    able to access their command pathways?"
    Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
    through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing

    Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

    Riker looks puzzled:
    "What the hell is a 'Microsoft'?"

    Data turns to answer:
    "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason
    called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
    their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
    at an unstoppable rate."

    "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
    processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

    Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
    version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
    increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be
    able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
    ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
    normal operational functions."

    Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
    geometric shape' idea."

    ... 15 Minutes Later ...

    Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the
    command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
    resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the
    expected 'upgrade'."

    Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
    capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an
    'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

    Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
    something we missed."

    Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
    Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not
    sending in their registration cards.

    Riker: "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
    escape sequence 3F ..."

    Geordi, excited:
    "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
    dropped to 0%!"

    Picard: "Data, what do your scanners show?"

    Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module
    named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

    Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their

    ... Two Hours Pass ...

    Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

    Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
    for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
    successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
    space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from
    something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pack'.

    Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

    Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
    time span of 6 more hours."

    Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

    Picard: "Identify."

    Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!"

    Over the speakers:

    Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
    released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

    Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

    Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward
    the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they
    survive deep space?!"

    Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
    closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
    recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather
    briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!"

    Riker and Picard together horrified:

    Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
    into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

    Data: "True, but apparently some must have survived."

    Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
    pieces of paper."

    Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' --
    it often proves fatal."

    Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

    Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the
    Borg deserve that."

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