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    Friday, August 26, 2005

    Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and 30 Ton Mega Elephants

    Stardate 4457.9

    Today is busy. Not just a normal busy, but a somewhat busier busy. We are having a largish open house type thing at the office today, to celebrate our Huge Grand Opening (last October actually) and there will be pigs roasting, music playing and drinks flowing. It all sounds pretty good, and in fact, I will be touching on the bit about drinks flowing soon enough. Because of this somewhat busier busyness today, I may post something else later but then again, I may not. So I thought I would skip out on the droll world of politics and the ever deepening gloom surrounding most of the planet's news, and devote this morning to the greatest drink in existence, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

    I will let The Guide take it away:

    Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol. It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based life forms.

    The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

    It says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

    The Guide also tells you on which planets the best Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, how much you can expect to pay for one and what voluntary organizations exist to help you rehabilitate afterwards.

    The Guide even tells you how you can mix one yourself.

    The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sells rather better than the Encyclopedia Galactica.

    Of course, The Guide also leaves you with one of the wisest statements in history, also created by Zaphod Beeblebrox...

    "Never drink more than two Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters unless you are a 30 ton mega-elephant with bronchial pneumonia..."

    Obviously, these words are extremely important, and should be adhered to strictly. We can begin to craft our own Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, though they will obviously not be quite as smashing as if they had been mixed by Zaphod himself... Some of the ingredients are hard to come by, but with tools such as Ebay at our disposal, how difficult can it be?

    1. Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.
    2. Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V.
    3. Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzene is lost).
    4. Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
    5. Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qalactin Hypermint extract.
    6. Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.
    7. Sprinkle Zamphuor.
    8. Add an olive.
    9. Drink . . . but . . . very carefully . . .

    Now keep in mind that nobody can be held responsible for your actions but yourself. If you are foolish enough to consume more than two of these drinks, you are suddenly somebody else's problem and should under no circumstances be allowed further drinks. That is the irony of it all.

    I'll let the phony Zaphod (he has only one head in case nobody noticed...) serve up the last drink, while I make my way towards cleaning my office for our busyness and such. Enjoy :)

    All opinions shared on this site are strictly my own. Some people may disagree and that is fine, but rude comments or overzealous debate will be curtailed. I enjoy civil discourse, and encourage independent thought. I oppose George W. Bush and his Wars based on lies.

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