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    Wednesday, August 17, 2005

    The Worst Movie Ever... Period.

    Stardate 4515.6

    The worst movie I have ever seen period, has got to be Ankle Biters (2002). Now don't get me wrong, it is an unfair judgement on this movie because I only watched the first 8 minutes (including the opening credits...). Currently on IMDB, it is rated at 1.4 out of 10. I was alarmed to see the actual mean score was 2.6 however. If you break these numbers down by checking the votes, you will notice an alarming trend. Out of 125 votes, 91 are a 1. The next biggest group is 16 votes for 10 and frankly, I have to diregard those votes as either total joke votes, or votes coming from an extremely drunken monkey. So in reality, it would be rated at the 1.4 out of 10 shown by the weighted vote. Now, I will recount the events of the evening that I watched 8 minutes of this movie...

    I sat down on the couch with my wife, to watch a scary movie together. I hadn't seen the packaging in the rental shop, but judging from the name and the scant information on the side of the plastic case, I had a bad feeling about the movie. Honestly, I can't remember if there were previews or not, as it has been several years, and I have tried to erase this memory from my brain. I imagine I had slipped out for some "air" or perhaps to get some munchies before the movie started. Well at any rate, the movie started. It looked as though someone was walking around with a blurry camera at first, and then it cleared up a bit (or my eyes adjusted by staring into the wall beyond the television) but the shaky camera man was still guilty. Then these guys were on some train tracks. I wasn't sure what was going on and since the movie had just begun, I thought it would sort of explain as it was going. Then there were some pecks, I mean midgets, er short folks... looked like a biker sorta gangster get up or something. I remember saying to my wife that we were gonna be in for a special treat with this movie... The short folks er midgets, might have had guns but it didn't matter since they were like Vampires! So we had a movie about midget, biker, gangster vampires that grunted a lot, and some other dudes that apparently were in for a rough time... I can't remember if there was a cool fight or not because I was laughing really hard. And it didn't really matter anyhow.
    At this point, I turned to my wife and honestly asked "are you going to be mad if I don't stay and watch this movie?" Her reply was "no."
    There were some other guys with guns fighting now, and then the midget, biker, gangster vampires who grunted a lot, killed them and it cut to an old house scene. Nothing fancy, just a typical alley, scummy house scene. Did I mention that these were undoubtedly the worst actors i have ever seen? It was like a guy was filming the movie with his home camera, and all his stoned buddies were acting in it (I didn't say acting did I?), and they were making up the story and script as they were shooting... Anyhow, the midget, biker, gangster vampires who grunted a lot knocked on the door and this dumb guy who forgot his lines stood there... The midget, biker, gangster vampires who grunted a lot simply grunted and growled at him then killed him (I think because I got up and left after saying somethng pathetic like "sorry honey, I really wanted to watch a movie with you but this is terrible...").
    The best part was that after she chuckled and said it was okay for me to leave, she lasted about another 3 minutes before she turned it all off and left as well.

    No offence to any of the actors, writers or workers inthis movie... nothing personal. Okay wait, you all suck for making us waste $5 on a New Release...

    All opinions shared on this site are strictly my own. Some people may disagree and that is fine, but rude comments or overzealous debate will be curtailed. I enjoy civil discourse, and encourage independent thought. I oppose George W. Bush and his Wars based on lies.

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